Insidious...my feelings have changed...

I woke up this morning determined that I would write a blog about the film Insidious.  When I watched this at the cinema I was generally unnverved & frightened for 75% of it, to the point that where I obtained a copy of it I could not physically sit down to watch it on my own.  However, after sitting down with my housemates on Saturday, I can honestly say that my feelings have changed about this film.

For those that are unclear, Insidious's premise is that of a haunted house tale.  This film starts by introducing us to a family of 5 - the mother, father, and 3 kids.  However, the film really only focuses on the mother, father and eldest son (Dalton).  The other two kids don't really have much of a part to play, although the baby girl is involved in one of the first jump out-of-your seat moments, and the mother and father are quite vapid & don't really warrant me learning their names for the rest of the film...

This family have moved into what I can only believe is a reject for the House film series (the 1st House was epic win while the others fell way way outside of happy-mega-win territory).  A dark foreboding house that has no in built lights, as there seems to be lamps everywhere.  In such a house, little things start happening - books placed on a shelf one minute are on the floor the next, whilst strange noises are heard in the attic.  Upon investigation the mother goes up there to find one of her boxes has been hidden up there, and she breaks a ladder trying to turn on a light.

That evening, little Dalton is playing outside the attic when the door opens & he goes to investigate.  However, he falls off the ladder due to his mum breaking it earlier that day.  As he lays in pain he hears a noise and turns to see something that causes him to scream (my first thought was Justin Bieber).  Cue the parents coming to the rescue.  They put him to bed but can't wake him up the next day, as he's fallen into a coma.  Then things start getting creepy...

With Dalton being cared for at home, the mother manages to hear a demonic voice on the babys monitor saying I WANT IT louder and louder until the mother goes to investigate.  However, there's nothing in the room apart from a crying baby.  That evening, the middle child tells his mum he doesn't want to sleep in his room anymore as he doesn't like it when Dalton gets up & walks around at night.  A sleepwalking coma patient?  Is that a cinema first?

The creepyness gets ramped up a bit more upon the mother finding a bloody clawprint on her sons bed sheet, as well as a face staring over the little baby.  As the dad is a complete pussy he refuses to go home at night, but when he does strange things involving door knocking & opening occur, yet he can't believe it is paranormal based.  In the end, a dead man comes into the room to attack the mother & they all agree to leave to a new house.

Unfortunately, at the new house strange things also start occurring, such as a dancing child jumping out at the most predictable of times.  This then led to the fathers mother turning up to tell us all about her dream, which led to the most jump-out moment of the film.  This involved a demon (credited as the Lip-Red Faced Demon, aka Darth Maul) standing right behind the father.  This I jumped at in the cinema, despite this having been in the trailer for it.

Cue a paranormal investigation group coming in - namely one smart woman & 2 comedy sidekicks.  The woman deduces that Dalton is haunted, as he can astral project & has been kidnapped by Darth Maul.  Its about this time that the plot goes downhill, as its as if someone really didn't know how to end it.

Basically, the father was able to Astral Project as a kid, & he had this crazy old woman following him throughout his life to take over his body.  His mum stopped this by refusing to take photos of him, and repressing his memory.  Now he has to re-learn to astral project & go get his son back.  He does this whilst finding some creepy dead people hanging around, and he has to bring his son back to the house & his own body.  However, along the way he sees the old woman & he tells her to go away as he's not afraid of her, to which she then disappears...can you see where this may be leading folks?

So the father & Dalton both wake up in their own bodies, and the smart woman (aka Magda, the one from Something About Mary with the floppy tanned boobies) realises something is up with the fathe, takes his picture & gasps in shock.  He then strangles her.  As the mother walks back in the room, she finds the camera & looks at it, to see a picture of the old woman.  She then turns round & the screen goes black.

As I said, I found this deeply unnerving & frightening when I saw this at the cinema (which, may I add, was packed), and before Saturday I could not bring myself to watch this film alone.  I wish I had, as I would have seen that being surrounded by a cinema full of people all sharing in the "terror", as well as experiencing some of the same things at my old house (which was haunted by 2-3 ghosts) added to the fear.  When I watched this on Saturday, some parts did creep me out, but never to the same level they had at the cinema.

Therefore, I find this film to be an average haunted house tale.  It started off so well but went off the path with the whole astral projection thing, then was ruined by a very predictable ending.  I heard that they may well be making a sequel out of this.  Please don't.  Just make a truly fucking scary haunted house tale that could possibly stand the test of time.  It's not a difficult request, and technology these days could help so much.  Take Ghostwatch as a test of how creepy things could be (ignore the stupid ending for its over the topness, but it was still creepy watching Michael Parkinson get possessed).

If you like Insidious & find it terrifying then I hope my views don't change your opinion.  This is making me look at things differently now - maybe I should re-watch the old horrors that scared me at the cinema?  If horror films really aren't that bad when watched with a smaller audience, then maybe comedies aren't that funny when they are watched on their own?

Expect more blogs to come, including another random review for the excellent Devil's Rejects!

ROCKY IV - Why I love you

Thanks to an eventful train journey to work today, I had the pleasure of listening to the album "The Rocky Soundtrack", which encompassed a number of musical interludes from the first 5 Rocky films.  This got me in the mood to watch what is one of the greatest films ever made (in my opinion, anyways), and what is my most faviourite film of all time: ROCKY IV.

 

As a kid, in our house it was Star Wars and Rocky that ruled the roost.  Me dad got me into the first Rocky films at an early age, so I was on tenterhooks when the 4th Rocky film was released - by that point I had seen the unknown Italian Stallion take Apollo Creed all the way in the seminal Rocky.  Then he finally beat Apollo in Rocky 2 to become heavyweight champion of the world, before finding that Mickey had fed him unworthy contenders and was refusing to allow Clubber Lang the chance to take on the champ.  There were tears shed when Rocky lost and Mickey passed away, but thanks to the Eye of the Tiger Rocky was back on top!

 

By the time Rocky IV came out, I was not in a good way.  As a kid I suffered from a fair few illnesses, some that put me in hospital.  I was on medication for a while until I hit my teens, where a growth spurt and puberty helped me out somewhat (though even now at almost 33 years of age I'm still stuck with the babyface gene).  At the time Rocky IV was released at cinemas I was too ill to attend.  Thankfully some friends of the family had obtained a pirate copy of the film for me.  And so it was that, in January 1986 at the ripe old age of 7 years old, I was huddled up on the sofa under a duvet with a sick bucket (as I couldn't keep anything down at that time - I was proper ill...) and a VHS remote control.  Then I pressed PLAY...

 

As was always the case with Rocky films, the beginning was always the end of the last film.  Again I got to see Rocky beat Clubber Lang, then the obligatory freeze frame on him & Apollo having their training match.  Then I saw the one thing I always wanted in life...a robot.  Not just any robot, but a fricking cool robot that played music through it (just seeing the thing lampooned on Family Guy recently made me realise how much of an impact this robot made on some people).  I think I pestered my parents for almost a year to get me one...you can't imagine how dissapointed I was to not see a robot shaped gift at Christmas that year...thankfully that dissappointment went away upon opening the Rocky Sega Master System game and all was good in the world.  For anyone that wants to get me a gift, please note that the robot is always on my christmas gift list!

 

I'd seen images of the "bad guy" in the film in the weeks leading up to the UK release of the film and could not believe the size of him.  He wasn't as big as Rocky but he damn sure towered over him!  Dolph Lundgren was a newbie to films at that point, but he had the look of a destroyer.  I did wonder how Rocky would get the win (as all kids wondered in those days, as we defied disbelief back then), as the silent assassin proved to be a worthwhile opponent without saying anything.

 

Then came the moment that made me cry (and, if 'm honest) still gets me emotional at times.  That was the death of Apollo Creed.  Knowing Rocky could have saved him by throwing in the towel, but knowing that Apollo didn't want to lose like that.  It was heart-breaking.  What gets me everytime is seeing Apollo shake in the middle of the ring.  These days they wouldn't let anyone move him, especially if they feared a broken neck could have occurred.  But back then things were different I guess.

 

Rocky decided that he wanted revenge, and wanted to take Ivan Drago on in his homeland of Russia.  Cue Adrian telling him he can't win, and Rocky responds the only way he can, by saying that maybe he can't, but if he's prepared to die for the cause, then so is Drago.  As Rocky mourned his friend, we were able to see the highs and the lows in a fantastic flashback (Hollywood, take advantage of this) to the tune of No Easy Way Out, by the same guy who wrote the song In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida - Robert Tepper of Iron Butterfly).  This song still gets me & I do appreciate the Bullet For My Valentine cover, even if it was Bullet For My Valentine playing it.

 

The story then moves over to Russia (or its substitute, Canada) with Adrian having left him at home.  Then we get the first of TWO training montages (of which a mobile phone provider and Family Guy have both lampooned).  Hearts On Fire highlights one of these training montages, and it goes to show that Rocky is the underdog with no real training facility, whilst Drago has the best facility & the best steroids known to man, constantly hitting higher & higher pounds per square inch amounts (apparently, he takes his spinach like popeye).

 

Through 15 rounds, we see the brutal beating that both men take, with Rocky booed throughout (until the latter rounds).  Once the tide starts turning, the awesome soundtrack kicks in & Rocky wins with the patented left hook, knocking Drago down for his first professional loss (and probably a career outside of boxing).  Cue the sappy annoying you can change ending (though this did get me spurred on as a youngster).

 

Why do I like this film?  It has everything you want out of a movie - heartbreak, comedy, training montages & a fricking robot!  I like it because the storyline was apt - east vs west lampooned the cold war between the Russians & the US, which was quite a topic in the mid to late 80s.  Seeing Rocky go up against the immovable object was also a plus point, as this was the first challenger you thought actually had a shot.  I was attached to this film (which, coincidentally, was the most profitable of all the Rocky films) as a kid, and almost 30 years on I can still watch this and experience the highs and lows.

 

Last year I had the honour of meeting someone special who understood my passion with Rocky IV (& who provided me with a poster of the Italian Stallion from that film, as well as a signed autographed picture of Apollo Creed & Rocky, signed by Carl Weathers - who I would also go on to meet alongside my someone special).  Weirdly enough, she wasn't a Rocky fan, but was a Drago fan, seeing as he was played by one of her crushes in Dolph.  Whilst we may not be together, we still share this passion and this film, and I thank god that she enjoys it, and that she understood why I did too.  I don't watch this film much now, as I got used to watching it with her, and it just isn't the same these days, but I still love it, and my heart is still on fire.  Thank you ROCKY IV, for being everything I ever wanted from a film...

Random film review #2

For those that enjoyed my random review of Air Force One, I'm back to blogging again with my second random film review, this time its for:

DEAD MAN'S SHOE'S
Starring: Paddy Considine
Synopsis: A disaffected soldier  returns to his hometown to get even with the thugs who brutalized his mentally-challenged brother years ago.

It's hard to believe that this film is 7 years old, and that not many people know about it.  Sure, Kill Bill made revenge films colourful & retro (mainly down to the stylings of Tarantino), but Shane Meadows & Paddy Considine have made one of the most powerful & gritty modern revenge films going.  Expect swearing, northerners, swearing northerners, and a bit of blood lust, childish humour and some damn good acting!


Paddy Considine is Richard, back from the army with his little brother Anthony (who is slightly retarded) to take revenge of the group of rag-tag northerners who abused Anthony.  Within the 1st ten minutes we get to see that Richard is completely bat-shit crazy, by shouting the C word at one of the worst drug-dealers in celluloid history (who ironically has a worse mullet than Tom Hanks in the Da Vinci Code) then apologising profusely (and maybe showing some man-love tendencies).

Thankfully, this was just a ruse to get the drug dealer to run off & get followed to his mates, who are also really bad drug dealers,.  The three stooges (or Herbie, Soz & Tuf as the film confirms) are then witnessed to the finest gas mask baddie since...well, ever (if you know any other gas mask baddies then please let me know & I will edit this post).  This is Richard trying to disguise himself, despite telling the drug dealers who he is.

What happens next is the three stooges run out to try & get him, only to find in the 2 minutes they left their flat he has gone in, smashed it up, written something on the wall that I don't think is ever mentioned during the rest of the film, stealing all the drugs, and then buggering off through the front door & out into the street.  I'm not sure, but this may be the best cat burglar since the Pink Panther...  Cue some angry northern drug dealers running around trying to work out what happened.


They then drive round to their boss (in an open top beetle, which does not look cool for drug dealers by the way, but we are up north so this may be high class driving there, as they do tend to shove ferrets down their trousers - interesting fact, but thats the only thing I learnt from Last of the Summer Wine) only to find him painted up like a crack-whore clown.  You see, it turns out Richard has been annoyingly painting peoples hair & clothes instead of killing them.  Oh how he loves to torment his prey...

The drug dealers then take some time to remember, and we get the obligatory black & white flashback of the abuse (which involved punching Anthony with a frying pan, then getting him laid, so he at least got a good present at the end of it).  It could have been worse, I was expecting something a lot harder than that, but maybe thats cos of all the sick filth I've sat and watched over the years.

Now it's time for the payback to start, so Richard decides to break into a club the baddies all hangout in (whilst they are there as well!) then climb up the stairs and kill one of them on the toilet, before slipping out unnoticed (honestly, I'm waiting for Inspector Clouseau to appear).  The baddies then go out for a drive & come across Richard & try to scare him, but he won't have any of it, yet tells them where he is staying.


Cue the baddies going there with a rifle and just 1 bullet, and blowing the brains out of one of their own (Big Al, who surprisingly doesn't appear that big), before driving back to somewhere near town.  The car happens to break down (it was an open top beetle for flips sake, what else did you expect?) & one of the baddie runs off.  The other three then walk back to town.

At the bosses house they decide to check for Richard & search every room (apart from the pantry he was hiding in in their kitchen - how can you miss a gas-masked madman with a bag full of drugs & a pistol?).  Cue the funniest part of the film where someone stabs a SMALL BOX with a knife in case Richard was hiding in it.  Whoever wrote this deserves numerous plaudits for that cinematic moment of greatness, and this isn't sarcasm!

Richard then decides to lace their boiled kettle of water with more drugs than Charlie Sheen can take in a year, which one of the baddies pours into a Posh Noodle (they were obviously around in 2004).  Best way to take drugs?  Maybe.

Richard then pops out of his numerous hiding places whilst all the baddies are sky-high & makes them dance for him, before shooting one in the head, making anothers nose fly into his brain, & then showing poor Herbie his mate Tuf (who ran away earlier) hidden in a suitcase & sliced in half.  Richard then turns sensitive to get some info before stabbing Herbie to death.  Man, that party was a downer!

Finding the last baddie (who had actually left the baddies & became a goodie - don't fret, it wasn't Bill Oddie) he marches him to the spot where (thanks to a flashback) they got Anthony high on acid & left him to hang himself.  So it turns out that the brother was dead all along.  What a twist, we couldn't see that coming!  Actually I did.  I read the plot description on the box...oops, spoiler alert!

At this point, Richard admits he's bat-shit crazy & asks to be killed, before doing a very non-PC version of a mentally disabled person.  The baddie-come-goodie then tries to back away before Richard claims he will kill & eat his wife & kids, leaving the baddie-come-goodie to stab Richard, who dies in the same spot as his brother.  Then the baddie-come-goodie walks off into the morning sunset with blood on his hands.


The annoying thing here is that he parked his car the other side of where he was, so all I could say at the end of the film was "good film, but why didn't he go back to his car?"

This is, despite what I say, a fantastic film & well worth a watch.  For a British film that DOESN'T star Hugh Grant & ISN'T a romantic comedy, this is one of the best I've seen.  Paddy Considine is bat-shit crazy, & the bloke who plays his little brother is also damn good at pulling off mentally disabled.  Thank fupp he's moved onto much bigger & better things thanks to this, which was his first feature film.

As for my rating, this gets a total of 8 bat-shit crazy gasmasks out of 10.  I would bump it up but the little plot-holes & the crappy beetle bumped it down to just 8.  Either way you look at it, this is a damn good slice of revenge & blood rolled into a 90 minute film.

Hope this in some way made you decide to give this a watch.  Until next time, stay bat-shit crazy & keep an eye open for my next random film review...

Random film review #1

After racking my brain for a topic to blog about, I decided to write about the one thing that I love, and thats films.  Having just moved house I went through all the DVDs that I decided to bring with me.  Since moving, I've managed to watch a grand total of 5 random films, and therefore I have decided to write a random review on those that I watch....so here goes with my first blog!!!!

Film: AIR FORCE ONE
Starring: Harrison Ford, Gary Oldman, Glenn Close, William H Macy, Dean Stockwell
Synopsis: The President of the USA goes to Moscow and gives a stirring speech outlining the USA's new "Zero-tolerance" policy with respect to terrorism. On the flight home, terrorists take over Air Force One (the President's official plane) and take the passengers (including his wife and daughter) hostage. The terrorists plan to execute one hostage every half-hour unless/until their demands are met. However, the President is a former Medal of Honor winner, so the terrorists may be in for a surprise...

I watched this film on Saturday whilst in the midst of moving everything around in my new room, so my attention may have been diverted from time to time; however I have seen this previously (in fact, I saw this at the cinema upon its release) so I can remember the basic plot & action that followed.

So, Harrison Ford has decided to throw his hat & bullwhip (see what I did there?  Indiana Jones reference 1) into the political ring and somehow became the worlds most easy-going president (based on the comments of his staff).  His stance on non-negotiation with terrorists was pretty impressive, but you could see he was basically just lining himself up for a fall.

As he leaves Moscow we spot Gary Oldman as a Russian journo...if you hadn't seen this film before then you should hopefully guess that he would be the bad guy (us Brits make fantastic villains, especially fantastic eastern-european villains) but his Russian tone is fantastic (just check out the Call of Duty games for his stellar voice acting).  Of course, you can't have a bad guy just start a fight on the President's plane, he has to have the inside help from one of those damn yanks...this provides a bit of back story in that the original journalist crew were all murdered by Gary Oldman (off-screen though, he doesn't want his kids to see just how maniacal he can become) and had their identities stolen by terrorists.  Those damn cheeky terrorists...I can smell a jihad or 2 coming....

Anyways, with some inside help the terrorists take over the plane & Indiana Jones is smuggled into the emergency escape pod (which doesn't resemble the pod the droids escaped in in Star Wars IV: A New Hope (surely the only escape pod design required for all films?  There's a plan Hollywood, utilise it!)) but then he doesnt go he manages to hide & how we laughed...wait, you're saying this isn't a comedy?

Cue Indiana Jones acting like a cross between the undercover Amish cop from Witness & Henry from Regarding Henry (he's got some fight but doesn't look like he knows what he's doing) & trying to take over the plane & get his family back.  Then we get a bit more back story with a bad guy in a prison who Gary Oldman wants to be released (& who never gets to speak & has a total of about 10 minutes screen time altogether - plus, calling him General Radic & having his followers called Radicals was a stroke of genius - am I watching a film or a wrestling show here?), & all of a sudden Dean Stockwell turns up...this left me thinking where the flip is Scott Bakula?  All of a sudden I wondered if I missed the part where Scott quantum leaped into Harrison Ford....

Wait, Gary Oldman mentioned Glenn Closes sweaty blouse - surely if you're a terrorist with the entire American Army awaiting every word you would choose something a bit more perverted then sweaty a blouse?  Besides which, the word blouse should only be used after the words "that's a smashing" (thats my nod to Bottom there).

 

Oh, I forgot to mention the stunning airplane refuel section...maybe thats because it wasn't that stunning to begin with, but merely acted as a plot point to show how much "danger" the crew of Air Force One were actually in.  Plus William H Macy is trying to help people out.  Not the Rock.  Not Indiana Jones.  Not Han Solo.  Not even Stone Cold or John Cena.  But William H Macy.  Thats William H Macy, AKA the Shoveller.  I'd understand if he had a spade in his hands but not dressed up like some air force zoom.

So, Indiana/Han/Amish Undercover Cop/President of the USA manages to defeat a few British-terrorists-disguised-as-Russians only for Gary Oldman (AKA Mozart) threatening to throw the Presidents family off the plane (who opens the plane up at 15,000 feet & keeps it open to allow Gary Oldman to do this?  Oh wait, Harrison Ford did.  He may be the president but he's not that smart...).  Anyways, as this is a USA! USA! USA! USA! film, the bad guy has to die in a horrible fashion - in this case having his neck broken whilst being parachuted down into a nice comfy field in Russia alongside all the other terrorists.  In a way its a lovely ending for them, as they get to prance & frolic in heaven/hell with each other...

This leads me to the end of this random review, but before I give my closing comments, I would like to add that William H Macy dies (without putting up a fight), whilst the traitor american dies when the plane crashes into the sea, all the while with him standing in the doorway having not once fallen over despite the plane nose diving into the water...ahh, Hollywood, I love how reality means nothing these days...  All thats left is Indiana Jones dangling from a wire at the end of a jumbo jet...I would like to refer back to my earlier comment of a nothing-reality at this point...

All in all, I actually enjoyed this film.  Gary Oldman plays a mean Russian, whilst Indiana Jones tries not to be the same character he's played for almost everyone of his films.  I'm English, we're a nation of triers, so I was backing him most of the way.  Glenn Close tried to look quite emotional, but all I remember about her is her sweaty blouse.  And where the hell is Scott Bakula?  The credits have started rolling but there's still no sign of him....

To rate this film (in terms of my own enjoyment) I would supply this as a Saturday/Sunday arvo film, usually shown on BBC 2 or Sky Action around about the 4:30pm mark.  That sounds about right, as I really wouldn't stay up late to watch this (and I don't have to, as I own the DVD).  If you want me to give this a score out of a pre-determined number pattern, then I choose 73 out of 112.  I love the randomness of that score, but I also love sweaty blouses & awesome British villains...

I doubt this review will help you in any way, but if you have any comments please do not hesitate to let me know.  I can't take criticism though, so expect a jihad coming your way (or at the very least William H Macy looking like a nobber).

Stay tuned for my next Random film review...which will be Dead Man's Shoes...  Thanks for listening!